Sunday, August 16, 2009

Foiled Assassins of the 1970s

Lynnette "Squeaky" Fromme. Pointed a pistol at President Gerald Ford while dressed in a red robe. Apprehended by Secret Service before the gun went off.

Janet "Tweety" McGuire. Poisoned National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski's lunch. Running late, Brzezinski skipped lunch that day.

Dolores "Mouse" Garrett. Attempted to run Secretary of State Cyrus Vance off the road. Her car, a 1975 AMC Gremlin, was not up to the task.

Marge "Tootie" Phillips. Struck Vice President Walter Mondale in the head with a lead pipe. Mondale was wearing a hard hat while touring a solar panel factory and was uninjured.

Karen "Birdie" LaChance. Schemed to kill OMB Director Bert Lance with a well-tossed lawn dart. Two days before her planned attempt, lawn darts were banned by the Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Beverly "Buzzy" Lee. Planned to stab Agriculture Secretary Earl Butz with a dagger. On her way to intercept Butz at a Cleveland hotel, she dropped the dagger down a storm drain while attempting to hail a cab.

Denise "Chirpy" Butler. Rented a motel room across the street from the office of HEW Secretary Joseph Califano, planning to take him out with a sniper rifle as he left the building. Butler failed to notice Califano's departure when she became engrossed in an episode of Barnaby Jones.

Rhonda "Perky" Schmidt. Plotted to strangle Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker during a meeting of the Federal Open Market Committee. Due to Volcker's height (six feet seven inches), Schmidt was only able to wrap the ligature around the Fed Chairman's mid-section.

Green Street Fountain

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Choose Your Own Apocalypse

Slate is asking readers to Choose Their Own Apocalypse: How will the United States meet its end?

Out of 144 possibilities, my top 5:

Robot Overlords
Unitary Executive
China Unloads U.S. Treasuries
Isolation of Elites
Pax Sinica (Chinese hegemony)

According to my choices, I am a "humanitarian internationalist. You're convinced mankind will terminate America—but at least we won't off ourselves in the process. You'll know you're right when: Everyone on Earth pledges allegiance to a world government; the feds default on the national debt."

Monday, August 03, 2009

Red Sox Update

I am happy with the trade for Victor Martinez. We really needed a good bat, and Lowell is a statue at 3rd. When V-Mart plays 1st, Youk can play 3rd.

We still need to figure out the starting pitcher situation, though. Beckett and Lester can't do it all by themselves. Dice-K is finished in Boston for this season, possibly forever. Our elderly pitchers Wakefield and Smoltz are moving to and from the mound on Hoverounds™. Buchholz is unpredictable. Penny is doughy. Look for Theo to pick up another starting pitcher off the waiver wire.
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