Keith's Word of Warning: Dental Floss

To avoid exasperating slippage, it is best to refrain from applying Jergen's or some other moisturizer on hands – even severely chapped hands – before attempting to floss teeth.

Keith's Word of Warning: Cigarette Sanitation

It is fine to invite Christmas party guests to smoke a cigarette or two on the back porch, and even to then allow them to douse their cigarettes in a cup of water due to "fear of fire," rather than stubbing them out in the terra-cotta saucer that you had thoughtfully provided. But do remember to bring the cup indoors for disposal immediately after the party, lest the cig-choked water freeze into a yellow-gray iceball that is apt to spill out of the cup and onto the kitchen floor, shattering into a million cigarette-smoke-scented yellow-gray ice fragments.

Keith's Word of Warning: Punch Bowls

When preparing a punch bowl of hot cider for a traditional Christmas party, preheat the bowl before pouring in the cider so as to avoid catastrophic bowl failure and a pair of wet, if pleasantly fragrant, pants.

Keith's Word of Warning: Diesel Fuel

When your uncle hands you a fuel filter that he just removed from a Freightliner semi truck tractor, do not hold the filter between your arm and torso as you bend over to pick up a gasket off the ground, because the fuel filter is filled with diesel fuel that will pour out over your shirt and jeans and soak all the way through to your underwear.

Keith's Word of Warning: Moths

Before bringing in a basket of laundry that has been hanging out on the line all morning, check for freakishly large, aggressive moths that may have attached themselves to a bedsheet or shirt.

Keith's Word of Warning: Heat Transfer

When trying to keep coffee hot in a thermos, do not then absentmindedly place thermos in refrigerator.